A man should never forget his past with all the experiences, be they good or not. Perhaps, this is why I took up photography initially. Because photography acts primarily as a support for memory. Images are symbols of past experiences. I personally regard them as symbols of the ideas in my mind and emotions in my heart. They help me remember and teach me new ways of thinking and feeling. In a world which devours millions of photos each day without questioning their reason or meaning, I try to focus on the question "why" not "with what"? At present photography has become a sort of therapy for me, as proven by my photographic approaches throughout 2019.
Under the heading "365 challenge" I took photos on a daily bases trying to surmount the creative dry spell. But, there was another deeper and more important reason, that is, to calm down the turmoil in my mind caused by repeated panic attacks and an intense fear constantly repressed.
FEAR OF DEATH - of myself and beloved ones. Fear - this subconscious feeling has slightly turned into a paralyzing anxiety. Any news related to someone’s death, be they known or unknown people destabilises me. Consequently, I avoid watching too much TV or surfing the internet. A headache or a pain in the back makes me think I might suffer from some incurable disease. Paradoxically, I haven’t given up watching horror movies yet. This project shows my daily struggle with this fear. At first I tried to convert creation into mere observation. I don’t analyse my photographs too much. I have tried to give up control, forget about me and leave the subject speak directly to the viewer. I allow the "accident" to take place. Through my photographs I have endeavoured to express a peaceful state of mind in opposition to my inner anxiety. I have also opted for black and white as I realised, towards the end of the project that the "shadow"/"fear" seemed more suitable as it created the contrast I needed to see the light. I have to understand it, to come to terms with it. Neither deny nor repress it. It doesn’t matter how strongly I defy the darkness as each light throws a shadow and the closer I get to light, the darker the shadow becomes. In this context, "stop fighting" doesn’t mean giving in to it but integrating it. To enjoy freedom of movement and get over the psychological barriers brought by technology like which camera should I use, dsrl or mirrorless, which lens - I only have a 35mm and I could use a 50mm, I have no money to buy 24mm lens, I’d like 85mm, this camera has just come on the market, save money, buy it and start on the project after, blahblah...So I have chosen to use my 700 lei phone. More than often, the lack of something and a strong will are our best weapons to achieve success. At the end of the project I made a rigorous selection of the photographs which will go into an future album.
